Freedom, as I thought, was something one feels when one is not shackled by others’ opinions. But what if one keeps oneself shackled? Just to be a people pleaser? (More of a family pleaser to be exact!) Just to get more love and validation…
Well, that was me! My parents raised me with the least restrictions. I was given the freedom to speak, to be opinionated, to wear whatever I want, to go wherever and whenever I want and with whoever I want. Then came a time to choose who I wanted to be. With a shining 10th marks card in my hand, I was told to take up science or else my life will be pointless and I won’t do justice to my good marks. You must be thinking it was my parents who must have pushed me a lot! But no! It was my extended family and yes this people pleaser went on with science (Also because all my friends were taking up Science!). Though what I really wanted to pursue was arts and that was something I still remember my mother coming up to me and telling me to take up because, since the age of 6, I haven’t spent one day away from reading. (Also, I was that awkward kid in the party who was scared to play and jump around with other kids and used to go in the corner and read!)
So, my years of dejection started off as I started off with PCMB. I started to lose my motivation to study. I questioned my intellect as I sat in an endless number of classes trying to understand Calculus, Mechanics, Thermodynamics, Organic Chemistry… (Urgh!) Somehow found a bit of solace in Biology. But still, there was a part of me that was never happy or satisfied. Rebelled a bit against my teachers and family and saved myself from becoming another engineer or doctor. Took up Zoology and I thought finally I was happy. But I was not! I failed to feel it as I lost myself with the pleasures of college life. I even went all the way and got a Master’s with quite an impressive score. As expected, I was ideal for pursuing a PhD and as I again tried to put my mind to it, I realised I needed a break from this continuous cycle. I took up a job! And for the first time, I felt happy. Happy because I thought I broke my shackles of sorrow.
But unhappiness and being in a constant state of depression was what I breathed in all the time. I was a star employee but failed to become a star in my own eyes. But there was one thing that gave me peace throughout the years, Reading and Journaling some personal thoughts and feelings. I felt I should finally do something which I felt worthwhile! I finally decided to go back to school again and pursue a career in Journalism (Something I thought of pursuing in college but then went with the flow of Science!). Cleared the entrance and interview and got me a seat in one of the most prestigious J-school in the country but again, thanks to this spectacle of a year, 2020, I had to give it up and wait for a year as I did not want classes on Zoom (quite tired of my office Zoom meetings already!). But I decided to start off with writing and ended up writing for an online magazine, which gave me some confidence as I was reluctant to start a personal blog.
But, here I am now, starting a magazine with my confidante and another tormented soul of science, Sayantani. More than a magazine, a safe haven for my otherwise crumbling soul and mental health.
I hope you find our content soulful and keep coming back to read more as we go on expressing ourselves with words.