Death Never Unnerved Me, Until I Saw It Up Close: I’m Tired of Being Sad

Death Never Unnerved Me, Until I Saw It Up Close: I’m Tired of Being Sad

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE

I always considered myself the luckiest person on earth as I have all four of my grandparents. I felt kind of weird when I heard my friends say they have never seen their grandma or don’t remember spending time with them. For me having all the family members alive around me was normal. As I grew older and heard of my grandma or grandpa being sick or hospitalised, I was afraid of losing them.

As an adult today, I’m prepared to hear the worst. I always told people I have never seen death, and I don’t know how it feels like to lose someone. This was until I lost my 16-year-old cousin brother to suicide.

I’m a fan of crime stories – stories about blood, murder and death never unnerve me and rather pique my attention. With the ambition to pursue a career as an investigative journalist, it’s a thrill for me to investigate crime stories, count the number of deaths or murders, and predict the possible cause of the same.

I always thought of the expertise in solving a suicide mystery rather than the emotional impact on their families. Recently, I lost my cousin brother to suicide. When I went to my uncle’s to pay homage, I was terrified seeing the family in tears. No one knows why he committed suicide, he behaved all normal in the morning, went to take shower and that was the end, he was found tied to a towel by the window. 

As a journalist, habitual of being suspicious about suicide, death, and more, I looked into my cousin’s smartphone, checked his mail, messages, calls, and even his notebooks. But, I found nothing unusual. While I was trying to move on from this grief and shock, I got a call from my close friend saying his father just passed away. I couldn’t process what I just heard. What happened and why? No answer to that. 

As a girl who believed aged people die first, understanding the pain of death was difficult. In both cases, I wasn’t the first to mourn the death. This was tougher to express and process. Losing a loved one is an irresistible pain. What my uncle and my friend are going through is unimaginable to me.

According to Statista data, in 2018, there were about 7.23 deaths per 1,000 inhabitants in India. The death rate has found to be increasing from 2020 owing to the pandemic. Providing a statistical study will not depict the pain of the family. Putting out a quote saying “We are all in this together”, seems like a lie. Holding on to the emotions to believe in a better tomorrow isn’t a brave thought. 

I’m tired of being sad. I don’t know how to console my family or friends as I know it is not okay and everything won’t be fine without our loved ones. I just want to say that to express your emotions, cry your heart out, it’s not necessary to put on a brave face and be normal. Take your time to digest and adjust to the situation. Give yourself some space to heal. Don’t be lonely but let your emotions act alone. 

(The views expressed here are the author’s own and do not reflect the opinions of The Siyahi Columns)

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